Sluts and Whores No More

I am going to talk about the dreaded subject that makes people feel awkward and uncomfortable when it is mentioned in mixed company – sex. I’ve been thinking a lot about this subject lately, especially in relation to how society views the value of men and women in regards to the amount of sexual experience they have.

Why is it that women somehow are viewed as less valuable after their first sexual encounter? Why does a woman’s virginity hold any weight in determining her worth? Yet, we all know at some subconscious level, we, as society, have bought into this deep untruth.

I find it funny that in life we generally celebrate firsts. There’s the first time you walked, the first day of school, the first time you water-skied, the first time you went to a nightclub, and so on. We even take pictures and scrapbook them to mark the wondrous firsts. How many people have a picture to celebrate the first time they had sex? I know, no one wants a picture of that, but why is this first somehow taboo or even shameful for many? Why don’t we celebrate and honor ourselves for having experienced it?

Upon further contemplation of this, I realized that all other firsts in our life are marked as accomplishments – something new we dared to conquer. They are viewed as achievements. With sex, we view it as a loss, especially in the case of women. “She lost her virginity” creating the belief that somehow now she is less valuable. Even guys say they achieved a notch in their bedpost. Men tend to celebrate and women tend to self-hate. It’s like a new car at the dealership that loses value the moment you drive her off the lot. She goes from being new to used. I’m going to write it in all caps for emphasis: WOMEN ARE NOT CARS!!!

It is time to turn this atrocity in thinking around and honor the divine sexual feminine within each one of us. All of us regardless of gender need to understand that women are sexual beings too and that with every encounter whether it be sexual or not, we gain wisdom and experience. We gain knowledge and understanding. We become closer to becoming self-actualized with every experience. And we own our right to pleasure and intimacy.

Our worth as beings is innate and the fact that we have had one, no, or several sexual experiences has no bearing on our worth. Our worth is not diminished if our sexual encounters were forced upon us or whether they were entered into willingly. Our worth has nothing to do with the age that we experienced a sexual encounter, the person we had the encounter with, or what acts were performed during the encounter. Our worth has nothing to do with the marital status of you or your partner at the time of the sexual encounter. Our worth has nothing to do with how many sexual partners we have had, what gender they were, or whether we were sober at the time of the encounter. No matter what, our worth is innate, meaning built-in. Always in tact. We are worthy. We Are Worthy. WE ARE WORTHY.

In my opinion, it is the institutions of marriage and religion that have been responsible for spreading the lie that worth is somehow tied to sexual experience. It is the rules preached and expected from these institutions that paint women as sluts and whores and men as players and cheaters, instead of divine beings experiencing sex in the physical world. For me, marriage is not a prison that dictates my sexual activity, but a union based in love and mutual understanding. If there is not love in a marriage, then there is no marriage. I don’t care what vows have been made or how many “I do’s” have been said. If there is not the willingness to be faithful in love, then the union is broken. The union either needs care and attention or the willingness to let it go and move on. Let’s not use it to put us in a prison so that we can call each other names and degrade our worth.

Religion is most known for the “no sex before marriage” rule. What percentage of people do you think fall into this category? By using a sampling of my adult friends, family, and colleagues, I would say 98% have had premarital sex, and that number may be low. Are we all going to burn in hell? Of course not. It is time to realize that sex is just sex – an experience like any other – just like riding the bus or tying your shoes is. Let’s not place conditions all over it, judge it to death, and make it more or less than it is. Sex and your experience with it are not, and never should be, a gauge of your worth as a person. We are pure divine beings no matter what. We are innocent in our wisdom and experience. We are pure in our desire to learn and experience more no matter what those experiences are. If you have sex and you feel awful afterward, then learn from that. If you have sex and you feel wonderful, then learn from that. If you make a mistake or break someone’s heart, apologize, make amends, forgive yourself and others and move on – just like with any other situation.

I recommend to everyone whose first sexual encounter was something other than blissful, to go into meditation and imagine taking the energy of your virginity back. Bless the encounter as a learning experience, and receive back the energy of your “lost” virginity. Then you can either keep that energy for yourself to hold for awhile or gift it to whomever you would like to receive it. This is very empowering, because we begin to realize we are the controllers of our energy, not others. Also recognize that whether your virginity is with you or another, that your worth, purity, and innocence are still in tact, infinite, and eternal.

May all of you know that using sex to judge others or yourself is detrimental for us all. Humanity deserves to know and experience its worth without labels or judgment. Humanity also deserves to enjoy sex and learn from it without persecution or shame. Let’s no longer use sex as a means to degrade each other or tell each other that our love is forbidden, dirty, or worthless.

May you all feel love without conditions this month, whether it be in the bedroom or beyond, and may you all experience the value of your worth, which is and shall always be priceless.

Fay Thompson